Fly Without winG's

Finding Jesus

2008-02-25T16:07:00.000+08:00

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Sleeping Pills

2008-02-21T04:12:00.001+08:00

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Afraid of the Dark

2008-02-05T02:47:00.000+08:00

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

The Photographer

2008-01-30T04:47:00.000+08:00

A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made the daily trek to the elementary school. As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother was worried that her daughter would be frightened walking back home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm might cause her harm. Following each roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being very concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to the school.

Soon she saw her small child walking along. The thunder would boom, and then, at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. One followed another, each time with her child stopping, looking up at the streak of light and smiling. Finally, the mother called out and asked, "Honey, what are you doing?" Her little girl answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me!"

What type of prize did you win?

2008-01-19T08:09:00.000+08:00

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

Hit him again!

2008-01-16T03:45:00.000+08:00

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Flight School

2008-01-14T06:22:00.000+08:00

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.

He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Magical Wish

2008-01-11T04:18:00.000+08:00

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

Pikachu is a Girl?

2008-01-09T11:17:00.001+08:00

Money Talk

2008-01-06T23:24:00.000+08:00

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Godfather's Lawyer

2007-12-29T23:17:00.000+08:00

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well...what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says... go to hell... that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A very Faithful woman

2007-12-28T04:12:00.000+08:00

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

Improvements in Hell

2007-12-26T00:40:00.000+08:00

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Daughter Dating

2007-12-16T19:37:00.000+08:00

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

The Cloth In A Bar

2007-12-14T23:31:00.000+08:00

A priest, a father, and a rabbi are walking home from their respective services when they pass a bar.

The priest says, "I wish we could all go in and have a drink tonight." To this the father says, "let me try something I'll be right back."

So the father goes into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. When the bartender comes over to get paid the father says, "my son, I have already paid you for my drink.", to which the bartender replies, "I'm sorry father, it must've slipped my mind." "It's alright my son. You have a good night", the father says and leaves.

He goes outside to tell the priest and the rabbi what to do.

The priest goes in and comes out successful, so the rabbi goes in.He orders and when it comes time to pay he says to the bartender, "listen sonny I have already paid for my drinks tonight". Now the bartender replies, "I'm sorry rabbi, you're the third man of the cloth to come in here tonight I must be slipping!", to this the rabbi replies, "that's ok sonny, but can I have the change from my fifty."

A to Z of Ex-Boyfriends

2007-12-13T13:42:00.000+08:00

A is for ASSHOLE, you know, that word I shout at him as I drive by.

B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I can't think of two better losers to get off the streets.

C is for Call ya later. He won't. He never has before.

C is also for competing. "I feel worse than you do, you can shovel the walk."

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for eating like a pig. God, does he always have to know what the bottom of the bowl looks like?

F is for foreplay. Yes, I know he doesn't know what it is, that's why it's on the list.

F is for forgetting my birthday, you jerk.

G is for Guys. Who he was supposedly out with, and also who wears perfume like mine.

H is for Horny. He always is, except when I am.

I stands for ignorant, slobbering jerk.

J stands for jerk off. Yes, that's what he can do tonight, because I won't do it for him.

K stands for kiss, something he can't do without slobbering down his tongue and on my face.

L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists somewhere in fantasy land.

M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who he imitates.

N stands for No, a word he never seems to understand.

O is for "Oh, was it your birthday last week?"

P is for pee, what he does out in public in the front yard because he forgot when he walked past the bathroom.

Q is for quote, "My birthday is next Thursday," unquote. (See F and O)

R is for reminding, because I have to remind him of all holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

S stands for stood up. Something he thinks I will forget about.

S is also or sex. Something he won't get later because I remember the previous S.

T is for torture. Where do I start?

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that ****ing asshole is an understatement.

V is for vermin--most of his family.

W stands for whine, need I say more.

X is for ex, the one he never shuts up about.

Y stands for younger, and wishing he was.

Z (I know where z is) Z stands for zip, that's what I got from him.

No Swimming

2007-12-07T03:54:00.000+08:00

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't.

Useless in the Parking Lot

2007-12-01T03:15:00.000+08:00

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!

You even sent me a Professional!"

A Jealous Husband

2007-11-26T04:28:00.000+08:00

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Daddy's Password

2007-11-26T03:57:00.000+08:00

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Thanks,Pal!

2007-11-17T01:29:00.000+08:00

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

No wonder students will fail their test/examz

2007-11-15T04:56:00.000+08:00

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year has ONLY 365 days.

Typical academic year for a student.

1. Sundays- 52 Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays- 50 days, where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.

3. 8 Hours daily sleep- means 130 days. Days left 141.

4. 1 Hour for daily playing- (Social Well-Being) Means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 Hours daily for food & other delicacies- Means 30 days. Days left 96.

6. 1 Hour for talking (Man is a social animal)- Means 15 days. Days left 81.

7. Examination days per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)- 40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness at least 3 days. Remaining days 3.

10. Movies and functions at least 2 days. 1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday. "How can you study at that day?" Balance days 0

"How can a student pass???

Where is God?

2007-11-12T03:00:00.000+08:00

2 boys, aged 8 & 10 were very mischievous. They were always getting into trouble & if mischief occured in their town, They were usually involved.

The boy's mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would talk to her boys.

The preacher agreed, but asked to see them separately. So the mother sent the 8-year-old 1st.

The preacher, a huge man with booming voice, sat the younger boy down & asked hime sternly: "Do you know where god is son?"

The boy's jaw dropped, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone: "Where is god?" Again the boy made no response.

The preacher shook his finger in the boy's face & bellowed: "Where is god?" The boy bloted, ran home & hide in the closet. When his older brother found him, he asked: "What happen?"

The younger boy replied: "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing & they think we did it!"

Honk If You Love Jesus

2007-11-04T11:24:00.000+08:00

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only one finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson who was in the car with me what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

A burglar is in Big Trouble

2007-10-26T06:03:00.000+08:00

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

Cow on Train Tracks

2007-10-24T05:34:00.000+08:00

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Smart Dog

2007-10-21T00:39:00.000+08:00

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

A very Insulting Parrot

2007-10-17T06:24:00.000+08:00

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

Talking Too Much

2007-10-16T04:19:00.000+08:00

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Having a baby at 65 . . .

2007-10-13T23:48:00.000+08:00

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?" one asked".

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,

"May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,

"May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

Keep Scrolling, you're gonna love this...

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him"

SUPER AMAZING! - Microsoft Magic COOL!!!

2007-10-11T04:33:00.000+08:00

MAGIC 1

An Indian discovered that nobody can create a FOLDER anywhere on the computer which can be named as "CON". This is something pretty cool... and unbelievable... At Microsoft the whole Team, couldn't answer why this happened!

TRY IT NOW, IT WILL NOT CREATE " CON " FOLDER

MAGIC 2

For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1.) Open an empty notepad file
2.) Type "Bush hid the facts" (without the quotes)
3.) Save it as whatever you want...
4.) Close it, and re-open it.

Is it just a really weird bug?

MAGIC 3

Microsoft¡¯s crazy facts

This is something pretty cool and neat... and unbelievable... At Microsoft the whole Team, including Bill Gates, couldn't answer why this happened!

It was discovered by a Brazilian... Try it out yourself...

Open Microsoft Word and type

=rand (200, 99)

And then press ENTER then see the magic...

Power Of Punctuation

2007-10-08T18:53:00.000+08:00

What a Woman Looks Like

2007-10-07T00:30:00.000+08:00

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her purse, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy a pair of shoes instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop buying new shoes years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked.

"No I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. "Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and buying new shoes."

Test Questions On The Bible

2007-10-01T02:43:00.000+08:00

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Two Guys and a Bear

2007-09-25T08:48:00.000+08:00

Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it"

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear..."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you...

Who died the worst death?

2007-09-21T09:43:00.000+08:00

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today.

The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon to check to see if I could catch her in the act.

When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there.

The last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the jerk hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall.

So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the idiot.

He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed on top of the guy and killed him.

Then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge.

Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands.

I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp!

I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

The Paint Job

2007-09-19T22:31:00.000+08:00

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.

On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting further and further away from the paint can."

A day on the bus

2007-09-17T03:49:00.000+08:00

A lady got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the lady slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

No parent left behind . . .

2007-09-15T04:28:00.000+08:00

These are notes written by PARENTS in an Arkansas school district... (Spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take pe today. please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Mona for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: Please ecsc'S Johnny's being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Lorrie from jim today. she is administrating.

5. Please excuse Ronald from p.e. for a few days. yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. Todd has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carl was absent yesterday because he was playing football. he was hurt in the growing part.

8. Meg could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chri! s will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Gary Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Peter from being absent yesterday. he had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s.

12. Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. he had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jack for being. it was his father's fault.

15. I kept Bill home because she had to go christmas shopping because i dont know what size she wear.

6. Please excuse Jenny for missing school yesterday. we forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. we thought it was sunday.

17. Betty won't be in school a week from Friday. we have to attend her funeral.

18. Please excuse Jonathan for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

19. Please excuse Mandy for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

20. Please excuse Terry. She has been sick and under the doctor.

You know you are living in 2007 when...

2007-09-14T05:41:00.000+08:00

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for five different companies.

10. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

11. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

12. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

13. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

14. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

16. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

17. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

18. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

19. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

The race

2007-09-12T02:10:00.000+08:00

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could out run a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Three sisters

2007-09-10T08:35:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 93,95 and 97, and they all lived together.

One night the 97 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.

The 95 year old hollered back, "I don't know, I'll come see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The 93 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.

Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Research

2007-09-07T21:33:00.000+08:00

One day a man walked into the main library of a major research university. He stopped at the reference desk and asked the librarian if she had any current books about economics and the economy. She answered that she did, and led the man to the reference shelves where the economics and economy books were.

To the surprise of both the librarian and the man all of the books were off the shelf being used.

"That's OK," the man said. "I'll just go to another library. You see, I'm a very busy man, and I set this weekend aside for studying economics and the economy."

The librarian said she understood and gave the man directions to the nearest research library. But her interest piqued, she asked: "Why are you so urgent to study economics and the economy?"

The man replied: "I'm an economist. I've been teaching at this university for the past ten years. I'm attending a business meeting on Monday, and I figure the economy has changed in the past ten years."

Living on a Prayer !

2007-09-06T17:01:00.000+08:00

The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Clintons on Vacation

2007-09-05T01:45:00.000+08:00

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

Innovative Delivery Methods

2007-09-03T03:02:00.000+08:00

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin of their dead grandmother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top; which read as follows.

Dear Cousins,

I am sending "Ah Ma" body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leaves are consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under "Ah Ma's" body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates! and packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong. Please divide these among all of you.

On "Ah Ma's" feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and AhLien's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

"Ah Ma" is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves.

The 2 new Armani Jeans that "Ah Ma" is wearing are for the boys.

The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on "Ah Ma's" left wrist.

Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, "Ah Ma" is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them.

The 6 white Polo cotton socks that "Ah Ma" is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins.

Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong is also not keeping well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes back too...

Jesus At The Bar

2007-09-01T09:50:00.000+08:00

An Irish man, an Australian man and a Scouser all in a bar.

Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the scouser looks up and says to the others "damn, thats jesus!".

So with that they all buy jesus a drink. The Irish man buys him a guinness, the Australian buys him a fosters, and the scouser buys him a bitter.

After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands.

He shakes the Irish man's hand and with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell jesus, that bad back i've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis i've had for 20 years has just disappeared!".

Jesus goes to shake the Scousers who says, "**** off, i'm on disability".

Lottery Win

2007-08-30T03:03:00.000+08:00

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''

As the lawyer...

2007-08-28T07:16:00.000+08:00

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said , "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

Do U Want To Win A Free Ride?

2007-08-27T07:40:00.000+08:00

Golfing with an older man

2007-08-22T11:13:00.000+08:00

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

I just needed to use your car

2007-08-21T16:39:00.000+08:00

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

BIG PEOPLE'S WORD

2007-08-19T10:21:00.000+08:00

One day in a pap school for small childrens, the teacher wants to lecture them on how to use BIG PEOPLE'S WORD.

Teacher: Today we will learn how to use BIG PEOPLE'S WORD when speaking.

John tell me what did you do before you came to school?

John: Erm... my mummy bring me pom pom!

Teacher: Nooo! You should use BIG PEOPLE'S WORD, the correct form is "My mother brought me to shower".

Desmond what will you do after school?

Desmond:My daddy bring me go kai kai!

Teacher: No!... No!... No!... You should use BIG PEOPLE'S WORD, the correct form is "My father will bring me out later".

Peter your turn, what book did you read awhile ago?

Peter: *Thinks for awhile*,...

"Winnie The Shit"

Three Little Pigs

2007-08-18T04:49:00.000+08:00

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table & asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter! to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggy says, "Well, somebody has to go Wee, Wee, Wee, all the way home!"

Cheap Parrot

2007-08-17T06:34:00.000+08:00

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, Beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00

"Why so little,"she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you first that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty tough stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided at that price she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam." The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then Thought, "Well, that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls". The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then they began to laugh about the comments considering how and where the parrot had been living for the past twenty years.

Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

do u like to play Tetris???

2007-08-13T11:24:00.000+08:00

50 things to do in final exam

2007-08-11T01:27:00.000+08:00

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB.BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "**** this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy)

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say, "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment, "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks."

Med School lesson

2007-08-07T05:44:00.000+08:00

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing, "he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

Fast personality test

2007-08-05T22:51:00.000+08:00

There is a very very tall coconut tree, there are 4 animals: king kong, ape, orang utan, monkey pass by

They have a competition to see who is the fastest to get the banana. Who you do think will win?

To see ur personality scroll down to see the answer.

orang utan = dull / stupid / condemn
ape = foolish /silly / born loser
monkey = idiot / dumb / born failure
king kong = stupid /low IQ / cannot make it

Coconut tree where got banana...

12 Ways to 'suan' a person ( Sarcastic )

2007-08-03T04:33:00.000+08:00

1. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

2. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

3. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face.

4. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you!

5. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!

6. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

7. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

8. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

9. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

10. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

11. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!

12. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

Kentucky Fried Chicken

2007-07-31T12:47:00.000+08:00

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Interesting Yet Funny... Take alook...

2007-07-29T19:11:00.000+08:00

You can become an engineer if you study in Engineering College but you cannot become a president if you study in Presidency College!

You can expect a BUS from a BUS stop but you cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop.

A mechanical engineer can become a mechanic but a software engineer cannot become a software!

You can find keys in Key Board but u cannot find Mother in Mother Board.

You can study and get any Certificates but you cannot get your Death Certificate

Who Should Make the Coffee?

2007-07-25T15:40:00.000+08:00

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

Competition

2007-07-23T16:10:00.000+08:00

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

Hard of Hearing

2007-07-19T14:55:00.000+08:00

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can`t hear him.

"How bad is it?" the doctor asks.

"I have no idea", says the husband.

"Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesn`t hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way we`ll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?"

No answer. From 10 feet, same thing. From 5 feet, same thing. Finally he`s standing right behind her ...

"What`s for dinner?"

She turns around, looks at him and says "For the FOURTH time ... BEEF STEW!"

Age Cruise

2007-07-07T03:43:00.000+08:00

A man and his wife, now in their 60`s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Accelerate your site performance

2007-07-02T23:24:00.000+08:00

Christian Jokes 2

2007-06-30T05:27:00.000+08:00

Well, if it's that obvious to a child...
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.

One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."

She pauses on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"

"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.

However, his pride was quickly turned to humility...

"Then which does God believe?"

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An Email From God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said, maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view.

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said????

You didn't get one either,.....huh?

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A Special Hymn
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

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False Illusions
A man who had died was waiting at heavens gate to enter the kingdom of God. He had lived a perfect life and had a clear idea in his mind what heaven would be like. He had foregone all the earthly pleasures and just knew his rewards were going to be great. He had gone over repeatedly in his mind how much great fun he was going to have in heaven.

As he was waiting, he saw a cloud pass by. As the cloud got closer, he saw people on the cloud having a great time. They were singing, dancing, and having great fun. They were dining on exquisite food, wearing the best clothes, and drinking the best wines, and laughter and merriment echoed through the sky. Yes, that was what he had expected it would be like.

His escort arrived at the gate. The escort told the man that he had lived a good life and he was going to now take him to his new home. The man said, "If it is all the same to you, I would like to live on that cloud!" The escort told the man that it was not possible and that what awaited him was far greater anyway. However, the man persisted so the escort asked him to wait while he went to talk to the "Boss". Upon returning, the escort stated the "Boss" had always allowed people to choose but made it clear that he would be much happier in his originally intended home. The man replied, "I have often thought of what heaven would be like and forgone the pleasures on earth to get my reward here, so if it抯 all the same to you, I want to live on that cloud." The escort sighed, and then granted his wish.

In an instant, the man was standing in the hottest, smelliest, and most disgusting place he had ever seen in his whole life. The strange noises were blood curdling and the whole place was chaos. He was in Hell.

An escort arrived to take him to his job. "Job?" the man replied. "Yes, we work hard down here," said the escort. There must be some mistake; the place I requested was a nice cloud with people singing, dancing, and having the best time of their life!" The escort looked puzzled at first and then started laughing hysterically. The man asked why the escort was laughing so hard. The escort replied, "You new people are so funny- you think you can show up here and get an assignment in the advertising department! You think you can get a promotion like that right away!"

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The Rich Man
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"

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There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodation first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

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Stolen Goose
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!
Priest: That is very wrong.
Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?
Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.
Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.
Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.
Confessor: Thank you, Father.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...

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Heavenly Rates
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

Christian Jokes 1

2007-06-29T03:43:00.000+08:00

Which Way to Heaven?
Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."

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Lesson in Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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Unwanted Visitor
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

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Visiting Pastor
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:

I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10

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Sermon
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

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Where is God
Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.

Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?"

The boy just sits there and doesn't answer.

The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"

The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.

The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"

To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office.

The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"

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Preaching
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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Prospecting for the Lord
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."

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From a 3-year-old:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."

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Cost of a Sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

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A Special Find
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

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The Helper
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

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Blackmail
Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.

His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.

"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.

"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.

Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner.

He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

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Father Murphy
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man replied, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

上帝的9則笑話

2007-06-28T12:07:00.000+08:00

1、一個神父在打高爾夫球，一個修女在旁邊觀看，第一杆打偏了，神父罵道：“TMD，打偏了！”又打，神父又罵：“TMD，又打偏了！”修女說：“你做爲神父說髒話上帝要懲罰的。”話音剛落，只聽一個霹雷把修女給劈死了。神父納悶了：爲什麽罵人的是我，爲什麽會劈死修女呢？這時只聽天空傳來上帝的聲音：“TMD，我也打偏了！”

2、信徒：“萬能的上帝啊，一萬年對您來說是多長呢？”
　上帝：“我眨一下眼的功夫。”
信徒：“那麽10億元錢呢？”
上帝：“不過是我的一根頭發而已。”
信徒：“哦，慈悲的上帝啊，那就請您給我一根頭發吧。”
上帝：“沒問題，等我眨一下眼之後給你。”

3、中日韓三國足球隊主教練一起來到天堂，詢問上帝各自的足球隊什麽時候才能得世界杯冠軍，上帝說：韓國需要50年。韓國教練大哭起來：我是見不到了。上帝又說：日本需要100年。日本教練大哭起來：我是見不到了。中國教練連忙問：我們呢？上帝大哭起來：我是見不到了。

4、有一個男人，中年得子，甚是溺愛，含莘茹苦拉扯兒子成人，辛辛苦苦供兒子上完大學，兒子西裝革履，紅光滿面，自己卻衣衫褴褛，饑腸辘辘，省吃儉用爲兒子買了房，娶了妻，自己也老了。然而兒子不孝，在一個風雨之夜將他趕出了家門。老人來到一個破廟避雨，老人很傷心，仰天長歎：上帝呀，爲什麽對我這麽不公平？在一道閃電過後，一個更蒼老的聲音說：“這是報應啊。”這時老人看見一個比他更老的人從破廟的角落裏進出來。老人大驚：“你是上帝嗎？”更老的人說：“混蛋！在二十多年前你就把我趕出來了，我是你爸爸呀，你已經不認識我了？”

5、在理發店，神父理完發交錢時，理發師說：“不收您的錢啦，我就當是爲上帝服務了。”第二天早晨，理發師看見店門前多了一封感謝信和幾本《聖經》。
過了幾天，一個警官理發後要交錢，理發師說：“不收您的錢啦，我就當是爲我們社區服務了。”
第二天早晨，理發師看見店門前又多了一封感謝信和一些《社區服務手冊》。
又過了幾天，一政府官員來理發，交錢時，理發師對他說：“不收您的錢啦，我就當是爲政府服務了。”第二天早晨，理發師看見門前站了一排政府官員

6、一天，克林頓的妻子希拉克被帶去見上帝，她發現在上帝的客廳裏挂著許多表，而且這些表有的走得快，有的走得慢，于是她就問上帝的仆人：“爲何上帝要收集這麽多表？而且這些表走得還不一樣快？”
上帝的仆人說到：“這些表代表著人的生命，世界上每一個人都有一塊著樣的表，如果他的外遇多，他的表走得就快，沒有外遇表走得就慢。”
希拉克聽完後向四周看了看又說道：“爲何沒看見我丈夫克林頓的表？”上帝的仆人說：“你丈夫的表被上帝拿到辦公室當電風扇去了！

7、一對兒同年同月同日生的老夫婦共同生活了35年。今天，他們大擺宴席，慶賀他們的60歲大壽。宴席過程中，上帝來了。上帝稱贊老夫婦是真正的“恩愛夫婦”，並答應給他們每人一個願望。老太太激動地說：“我們很貧窮，我只想想好好看看這個世界，做一次全球旅遊。”
上帝揮了一下手，砰的一聲，一打兒飛機票從空中落入老太太的手上。該老頭兒許願了，只見他沈思了一會兒，說道：“我想娶一個比我年輕30歲的女人。”
上帝又了一下手，砰！……
老頭兒一下子變成了90歲

8、上帝用泥巴捏了個人，從此就有了人類；
最先有的是白人---因爲上帝把泥人放到火上烤輕了；
其次有了黑人---因爲擔心火候不到結果給烤大了；
後來掌握了最佳火候也就有了我們黃色人種，所以說我們是上帝最成功的傑作。

9、小彼得自豪地對他的朋友說：“我叔叔是神父，所有的人都稱他尊敬的神父。”
小保羅說：“我叔叔是主教，誰跟他說話都稱他閣下。”
小拉克烏斯不服氣了：“這有什麽了不起的。我叔叔體重150公斤。”
所有的人見了他都喊道：“噢！我的上帝！”

Spider

2007-06-27T03:52:00.000+08:00

It was show and tell day in little Johnny's class.
After all the other kids had shown their projects, the teacher says
'OK Johnny, what have you brought to show the class?'
'I've brought my pet spider miss, I trained him myself'
Johnny fishes into his pocket and brings out a small tin, he opens it and takes out a big spider and puts it on his desk.
Johnny then says 'Spider walk ahead'.
The spider starts walking ahead.
Johnny says 'Spider walk right'.
The spider starts walking to the right.
Johnny says 'Spider walk left'.
The spider walks to the left.
The teacher and the rest of the children are astounded.
Johnny then picks up the spider and quickly pulls off all it's legs and places what's left of the spider back on the desk.
Johnny then says 'Spider walk ahead'.
The spider just sits there and does nothing.
Johnny says 'Spider walk right'.
The spider does nothing
Johnny says 'Spider walk left'.
The spider does nothing.
The teacher then says 'Johnny, that was a terribly cruel thing to do, and besides, what does it prove?'
Johnny says 'Well miss, it proves that when you pull the legs off a spider, they go deaf'

Genius Kid

2007-06-26T08:31:00.000+08:00

A Primary School teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the Primary 1. My sister is in Primary 3 and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary 3 too!"

The teacher took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the Primary 1, and behave.

The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in. The conditions were explained, and Harry agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a Primary 1 student should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to Primary 3."

The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some tougher questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two ?"
Harry: "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, and it is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....)
Harry: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.I get wet before you do." Who am I??
Harry: "A Tent. "

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." What am I?? (Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "A Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, I feel good." What am I??
Harry: "A Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates I come with a quiver."
What am I??
Harry: "An Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put this ass in Primary 6 ! I got the last 10 questions all wrong myself?!?"

Atomic Blogging - Try It!

2007-06-25T19:30:00.000+08:00

Many people asked me how in the world I got into Internet Marketing and why and when I started blogging.

I started blogging since last March 2006 but recently I was introduced to a seminar in Singapore. I met a young guy who was only about 26 years old. Coming from the Infocomm industry, I am aware that it is the youngsters that know the new stuff, and blogging is a trend to me. Alvin Phang who unselfishly talked with me at that time, impressed me with his knowledge of blogging. I started talking to him and became good friend. I gave him a nickname, The Profitable Blogger. Yes, he has shown me how to make money from blogging.. So I did.

Now he is introducing he own product... called The Atomic Blogging. Take a look at it. It will help you if you are seriously interested to blog and make money out of your blogging. Check out Atomic Blogging.

Here's A Video Tutorial On Blogging

2007-06-24T00:53:00.001+08:00

I am real excited to show you what you can expect to get from Atomic Blogging.

Click Here To Claim Your Free Report or Click Here To Find Out More

In the hospital

2007-06-23T06:00:00.000+08:00

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pa! y for t he brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Wrong EMAIL Address!

2007-06-21T18:15:00.001+08:00

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!

The last request.

2007-06-20T02:46:00.000+08:00

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

How To Flood Your Blogs With MASSIVE Traffic & Cash!!!

2007-06-19T02:56:00.001+08:00

Recently I have just met an underground expert blogger name Alvin Phang. He is a close friend of mine and he seriously is an expert at blogging!

He get tons of free traffic at his blog at a rate of 700 visitors PER DAY! I don't know about you but that's INSANE for a blog that is only 8 months old!

Alvin really walks the talk and recently he launches a brand new product call Atomic Blogging and I think he's crazy as he is offering it at such high value but at such a LOW PRICE!

If you are looking for a guide on blogging and want to make money from blogs you should head on to this website now!

PS: Take this offer before Alvin decides to remove it... head on to NOW!!!

Whatever & Anything....

2007-06-16T04:20:00.000+08:00

(Three answers most scared by men)

(Whatever)

Men: What to have for dinner?
Women: Whatever..
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine
Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women : Whatever..

(Anything)

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
Men: Then find a cafÃ and have drink
Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: Anything

(You decide)

Men: Then we just go home lo
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
Men: Ok we will take Taxi
Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Women: Whatever...
Men: Eat what?
Women: Anything

What say u ??? You decide...

11 People on a Rope

2007-06-15T06:43:00.000+08:00

11 people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, 10 men & 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

3 Little Pigs

2007-06-14T19:24:00.000+08:00

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said,

"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was speechless for the next 10 minutes...

Jay Chou Jian Dan Ai

2007-06-13T17:01:00.001+08:00

Who is Clever, the students or the Teacher?

2007-06-12T01:31:00.000+08:00

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn't Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the teacher and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the teacher said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they appeared before the teacher. The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in seperate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst ?...............( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right .....!!!

Singaporeans

2007-06-11T11:39:00.000+08:00

There once was a very good old barber in New York.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:

"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.

But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.

A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."

The Singaporean software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there?
Can you guess?

Come on, think like a Singaporean... Have you got the answer?

Lame Pig Video

2007-06-10T10:57:00.001+08:00

How To Avoid Spam With Akismet

2007-06-10T09:01:00.000+08:00

This Tutorial is Part of Atomic Blogging ( A Step By Step Guide to Blogging )

What you see above are the number of Spam messages I get so far on my blog! It's HUGE! Arent they ignoring? To avoid and prevent all this spam you must use Akismet - A Free Plugin to avoid spam for your blog.

Before I start, Akismet is a free open source spam program online to help fight spam for wordpress owners.

Just follow the following steps to get started to prevent Spam on your blog.

To install & setup Akismet for your blog first you need to go to your Plugin panel in your Control Panel in wordpress found at http://www.(yourdomain).com/wp-admin/

Follow the steps above to activate Akismet.

After you have activated all the Plugins you should see the above message just click on the link enter your Wordpress.com API Key.

To get your API Key, all you need to do is go to www.wordpress.com and sign up for a free account, the API Key will be email to you when you sign up a free account.

When you have sign up for a wordpress.com account you can find the API key when you click on My Profile. Example how a API Key looks like is fbd655933fa6. Please use your own API Key and don’t ever share your API it is like a password for you =)

So once you got the API Key from Wordpress.com, just key in the Key in the box and click on Update Options in your own blog!

You will know you have successfully installed Akismet when the green word appear as above. And you are done! NO MORE SPAM for your blog!

To get more step by step tutorials, I highly recommend you click here to grab more tutorials =)

If you have benefited from this tutorial feel free to share it and post it on your blog or comment below.

MY SINGAPORE

2007-06-08T19:31:00.000+08:00

In Singapore, the majority of us live in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB).

And most people have already got used to Paying and Paying (PAP).

Not only do you have to pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt (PUB). If that's not enough.

Somebody still Purposely Wants to Dig (PWD) and get more from you.

So what more can you do when you are in the Money Only Environment (MOE)?

With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS).

You are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA)

Which will leave some people Permanently Owing Some Banks (POSB).

And forced to live on the Loan Techniques Always (LTA) system.

When you fall sick and happen to be admitted to a Money Operating Hospital (MOH),

You might be able to use your Cash Prior to Funeral (CPF) fund.

If you are out of luck, you may meet doctors who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you,

And you will be Sure to Give up Hope (SGH).

To help ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash on Expressway (COE).

If that doesn't help, they can always Eternally Raise Prices (ERP) on the roads.

If you don't own a car, you can always make a Mad Rush to the Train (MRT),

OR get squashed in a bus Side by Side (SBS).

Lastly, under all these pressures, there are not many places we can relax, Not even the good old place we used to go because it has become So Expensive and Nothing TO See Actually (SENTOSA)!

BIGGEST LIE WINS...

2007-06-07T14:57:00.000+08:00

One day, a teacher saw 2 of his Primary 4, 10 years old John and Peter fighting. The teacher went over try to check what going on with the both of them.

John reply that both of them found a $10 bill and the one who says the biggest lie will have the $10 bucks.

The teacher replied: "Oh my goodness, I don't even know what is a lie when I m 10 yrs old!!"

John and Peter look at each other and hand the $10 to the teacher...

Funnier Bathroom Sign

2007-06-06T19:14:00.001+08:00

Shortest Essay Contest

2007-06-04T04:38:00.000+08:00

This is a story of a 16 year old boy from New Hampshire who won the World's shortest essay competition. He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Harvard for his imagination and humour ... Here's an example of absolute brilliance...

Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

Religion
Royalty
Sex
Mystery

The prize-winner wrote:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is."

Funny Bathroom Sign

2007-05-29T14:49:00.000+08:00

100% Mi ^-^

2007-05-17T05:40:00.000+08:00

I saw this and i immediately think of myself...

U have to know to read chinese to read this post ~~ "sorry for the inconvenient ya" ~~ I always believe that many girls out there are like that too... So I'm normal... Haha... m I?

I always believe that many girls out there are like that too... So I'm normal... Haha... m I??

WE LIVE IN SINGAPURA the MTV version

2007-05-14T08:38:00.001+08:00

Life is about Choices

2007-05-11T20:02:00.000+08:00

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!

You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or... you can choose to be in a bad mood I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or... I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins... Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or... I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked

He continued, "...the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

You have two choices now:

1. Sit back and do nothing and continue to get the same results

2. Make a decision to change your life by changing what you are currently doing.

NOT to DECIDE is to DECIDE

2007-05-06T17:25:00.000+08:00

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five.

Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them,I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.

On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up.She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath.

Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed,he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story.

One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She's my very favorite."

"That's okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again,"Do you love me?" "Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you."

And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy.

And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, daddy; this is for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure.

So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.

Isn't God good? Are you holding onto things that God wants you to let go of?

Are you holding on to harmful or unnecessary partners, relationships, habits and activities that you have come so attached to that it seems impossible to let go?

Sometimes it is so hard to see what is in the other hand but do believe this one thing. God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

The greatest gifts happen when you share love and touch others.

Don't trust your hubby alot.

2007-04-25T05:18:00.000+08:00

Rita was standing vigil over her husband's deathbed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Rita," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Rita. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Rita. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."

Rita mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now dear, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said.

"Now you be still, and let the poison work."

MONEYBOOKERS REFER A FRIEND PROGRAM

2007-04-24T01:18:00.000+08:00

, The 1st account in the world that pays you for sending payments!

An introduction to moneybookers.com

moneybookers.com is a global e-payment solution that allows you to safely send and receive money via email - instantly. By using this new payment processor, we can offer you these benefits:

Global multi-payment platform: moneybookers.com offers multiple ways to add money to your account. Supported methods are currently: credit/debit card, domestic bank transfer in more than 30 countries.

Simplified ordering process: signing up for a moneybookers.com account is easy! Simply use their registration form to provide some basic details about yourself and you are set to start using moneybookers.com. If you want to deposit via credit/debit card, you should also fax them a copy of your ID and the credit/debit card you are about to use to verify your account. The payment process is in any case instant. No more waiting for International Money Orders or cheques to reach us!

Unlimited order size: we can now accept payment for any order, regardless its size!

Mobik - Send Unlimited SMS Without Any Cost

2007-04-23T18:48:00.001+08:00

, A free web based SMS messaging services without limits and no costs included. Mobik’s SMS services is totally awesome which is simple to use. There is no limits , no costs or no Opt-in or opt-out at any time.

Using Mobik free sms services is easy. All you needs is register an account on their website. you will find Mobik free sms services interface easy to understand and interactive whereby entire interfaces is powered by flash. Beside sending SMS to single contact, Mobik also offers bulk SMS messaging sending services which you can enter as many as contact on one text messaging. Other features like contact list also included but some of the features similar mobile phone messaging features no implement yet. Plus more there is disadvantages whereby sms receiver not able to reply your sms and doesn’t know who you are if you no writing your name on text messaging because the sender name is “Mobik”

It’s true that mobik doesn’t have any no hidden cost included or any catch on Mobik free sms services. They just make profit through ads whereby a video ads will automatically display when every time you send a sms. For me, there is no big deal since the video ads just few second only. MobiK free sms services will only deliver to the regions supported by their advertising sponsors. If there is not a sponsor in your region where you are sending your SMS, the message will not be delivered. You can check out a summary of the regions Mobik free sms cover with advertising sponsorship can be found on mobik Coverage page.

Beside that, Mobik also offer desktop application and mobile phone application on their free sms services where you check out over here for mobile phone compatibility and mobile phone application register.

What do you know for sure???

2007-04-11T06:40:00.000+08:00

Remind ourselves...

All of our dreams can come true -- if we have the courage to pursue them." - Walt Disney

"What do you know for sure?"

Have you ever been asked such a question? And if so, how did you answer it?

Chances are, most of us would probably stall for time if the question was ever asked. No doubt it's a question rarely asked and it does require us to think long and hard about it. Below is a list done up by Michael Angier, founder and president of SuccessNet. Do read up and try coming up with your own list.

We are Responsible for Our Life.
And nobody else. Although all success requires the assistance and cooperation of others, our success can never be left to anyone else. Luck is not a strategy.
Life is Short.
Whether we live 20 years or 100, our lives pass quickly. All the more reason to spend our life doing what we love. Since we never know how much time we have left, we should live each day as if it is our last for it just may be.
You Can't Learn Less.
We can only add to our knowledge. We don't have to give some of it up in exchange for new knowledge. Our ability to absorb and retain knowledge may just be unlimited.
Clarity Leads to Power.
When we're clear, we're more effective. Our clarity reduces our mistakes and enables us to enlist the help of others. We are more powerful when we are clear, and we are weaker when we are confused.
What You Sow, You Reap.
This is also called The Law of the Farm or The Law of Reciprocity. In order to continue to receive we must give.
You Can't Un-ring a Bell.
No one can change what's already happened. Whatever is done is done. It's up to us whether we use the experience to learn or allow ourselves to be run by the experience.
It Takes a Long Time to Build a Good Reputation and Only a Short While to Ruin it. Trust and Credibility is built slowly but can be lost almost instantly.
If You Don't Believe in Yourself, No One Else Will.
People don't respect or follow anyone who doesn't have confidence in themselves. I think the Universe tends to trust us to the degree we trust ourselves.
It Doesn't Take Guts to Quit. Anyone can quit. And most people do on their dreams and on themselves.
We Can Accomplish Anything We Want, Just Not EVERYTHING We Want. It's too big a world. There are too many options, too many things and only a certain amount of time.

Action Point

What's YOUR answer? How would you answer the question?? What do you know for sure???

Enjoy the long weekends

2007-04-07T04:48:00.000+08:00